WHAT A FATHER DOES AND WHY WE NEED ONE
By David Quigley
Given the enormous importance of fathers to the future of our species and our culture, it is a valuable thing to have a special holiday to honor them. In this article I will describe the essential contributions that fathers make to their children. And I will speak of how an Inner Father, as discovered in Alchemical Hypnotherapy, can help by solving a host of dilemmas in our lives.
The role of mother was summed up in my last article as the provider of unconditional love to every child. The father is, in contrast, the source of conditional love. His task, like that of the super-ego of Freud, has been to provide the rules of social achievement and moral conscience to the developing ego of the child. While the archetypal mother says, “I will love you exactly as you are” the father’s voice says, “Here is how you will earn my love!” This conditional love becomes important, according to child development psychologist Piaget, when the child is 3-4 years old. At this age they begin to develop the functions of understanding rules of behavior, compassion for others feelings, rational judgment, and deferred gratification. A father or father figure is usually critical to this process. No coincidence that this is the time when the child begins to leave the symbiotic relationship to mother and becomes interested in father.
Psychological research on the fatherless child bears this out. The fatherless child (common in the poor communities where this research was performed) had a much higher rate of criminal behavior and gang violence than in families where a father was present. It’s as if in the absence of the father’s guidance the growing child learns no rules of proper behavior.
But the absence of father figures is not the only way that the child’s developing moral judgment can be defined. My own father was a man of sound moral judgment and impeccable character. But because he raised us kids in an atmosphere of shaming and violence, amidst a blizzard of meaningless and arbitrary rules and punishments, us children all went through a long phase of delinquent behavior. A father’s rules I learned, must be meaningful, consistent, and respectful of their child’s unique needs and personality.
A father’s love should awaken in his children hopes and visions of a positive, successful future for themselves. One of the dire consequences for children who lack a father figure is that they can see no meaningful future for themselves. Or, even more terrifying, the child whose father is dead or in prison may see this as their only future. These same researchers concluded in the study of fatherless kids that a father is the key to having a hopeful vision for the future, a reason to live, to study in school, to build a career. This appears to be true for both male and female offspring. In the absence of a father’s conditional love, the child often grows up with no reason to work, no motive except for leaping into whatever indulgences feel good now. This would include junk food, TV and movies, internet games, pornography, drugs and alcohol, and criminal behavior. It often troubles parents and caretakers that these children do not seem able to respond to even the direst warnings of what their behavior will lead to. That’s because these are the actions of a child (or former child) who lacks any sense of a future.
A client of mine has a son in his mid 20s. Although she has worked tirelessly to love her son and give him every opportunity, he lacks a father figure. Not just because of divorce. Divorced fathers can still be a significant presence in their children’s lives. No, his father was a belligerent drunk with no interest in his son, not even enough to pay child support out of his substantial income. The result is a son who sits in front of the TV all day eating junk food and indulging in whatever drugs he can get. This is, I’m sorry to say, a common story.
In addition to motivating their children to accomplish something with their lives, a good father gives them hope that a positive future is within their grasp. This requires a good father to balance his criticisms with positive reinforcement, a sign that they believe in the child’s abilities.
My own father was determined to be a good father and have successful children. His love for us was intense. In his own life he was a very successful minister. A leader in the integration and anti-Vietnam war movement, he helped guide several churches and communities in the south toward equal rights, and resisting an evil war. In this he was an inspiration to all of us kids. In setting such an example he showed his children what we could accomplish. But his efforts to steer us backfired because he used shame all the time on his children, with only the occasional compliment to our abilities. As he later explained to me: “My job was not to tell you what you were doing right, but to shame you into obedience to the destiny I saw for you!” Under the influence of his constant shaming we kids learned to hate him and everything he stood for, including the church. That’s why all three of us dropped out of the church and never went back. But for me it was so much worse. I learned that I would never be good enough for him. I would always be a failure. Therefore the only future I saw for myself was suicide. Only when my inner parents showed up in my Alchemy process did I start believing in myself. While my father once said to me: “Are you going to become a (Christian) minister, or just a ditch digger?” My new father (King Arthur of legend) said “I am so proud of my son, the Wizard of the inner worlds!” Only with this new message in my heart could I become the founder of a worldwide school of therapy. Now I am a King and a leader of men, like both my fathers before me.
A father’s love should not be unconditional. That’s a mother’s job. But his stern injunctions must be balanced by praise for his child’s abilities and successes.
And it is also a father’s job to listen to his child’s longings and dreams, rather than try to stuff their child into their own plans for them. This is one of the greatest challenges of fatherhood, and one that many caring fathers simply don’t understand. The job of a true father includes listening closely to their child. They should validate that child’s dreams, and hold them to the dream that the child’s Higher Self is calling them to achieve. My inner father frowns upon my laziness and indulgence, and reminds me of the importance of my soul’s mission. He even offers practical advice on how to achieve my goals.
Tiger Woods had a meteoric rise to prominence at a remarkably early age. He attributed this success to a father who combined rigorous training with praise. We can all be grateful that it was Tiger’s destiny to transform the world of golf. Contributing to the overall success of the sport and breaking the color barrier were only some of what he accomplished. Perhaps the most important part of his father’s guidance for Tiger was that he believed in his son’s destiny.
Another role of father has to do with creating physical safety for their children, thus freeing them of anxiety and fear. The famous image of father standing over his daughter and demanding that her date have her home…and unmolested, by a reasonable hour is a popular joke among teenage boys. Not so for the girl who didn’t have that protective presence. I dated a girl in college once, to whom I complained about my father: “He never lets me stay out late.” To my astonishment she said: “I wish I had parents like that! My parents don’t seem to care what I do or how late I’m out!” Only later did I get over my profound envy and realize that because of their neglect she wasn’t feeling safe! It is important that both parents, but especially fathers, make their children feel safe.
And one of the greatest violations of this role is when the father is violent and physically or sexually abusive. Many of my therapy clients discovered not only that daddy did not protect them from the world, but was actually the most dangerous person in their world! Thus they discover that the world is nothing but dangerous. Such abuse can lead to violent and criminal behavior or drug abuse. Or it might lead to closing off as an adult to any real intimacy, since intimacy and trust are experienced as dangerous. In my therapy work the new inner father helps my client by rescuing their child from the memories of this violence in the client’s subconscious mind and providing a daily security.
One of my clients came to me because night terrors made it impossible for her to sleep through the night. In trance she saw her stepfather sneak into her bedroom at night to molest her. So we found a new inner father. To her surprise he was a muscular Indian warrior with a big spear. (She was a white girl from the Bronx) But the meaning of this scene became clear when we positioned him hidden behind the bedroom door for her stepfather’s nightly visit. The former father got an unpleasant surprise from her new father’s spear. After one session we three agreed that every night he would stand inside her door. One session, plus calling upon this reassuring image every time she climbed in bed, and she has remained free of night terrors. This is a critical role for any father, keeping his child safe.
In our analysis of father, we may conclude that a father’s presence and conditional love is necessary for the developing child by helping that child develop a sense of safety in the world, moral responsibility for self and others, self discipline and motivation to achieve future success, and a sense of pride in their abilities and accomplishments, and a knowledge of their own unique purpose in the world. If your life lacks this moral compass, it’s time for an Alchemical Hypnotherapist to help you find such a father in your inner world!
Given the enormous importance of fathers to the future of our species and our culture, it is a valuable thing to have a special holiday to honor them. In this article I will describe the essential contributions that fathers make to their children. And I will speak of how an Inner Father, as discovered in Alchemical Hypnotherapy, can help by solving a host of dilemmas in our lives.
The role of mother was summed up in my last article as the provider of unconditional love to every child. The father is, in contrast, the source of conditional love. His task, like that of the super-ego of Freud, has been to provide the rules of social achievement and moral conscience to the developing ego of the child. While the archetypal mother says, “I will love you exactly as you are” the father’s voice says, “Here is how you will earn my love!” This conditional love becomes important, according to child development psychologist Piaget, when the child is 3-4 years old. At this age they begin to develop the functions of understanding rules of behavior, compassion for others feelings, rational judgment, and deferred gratification. A father or father figure is usually critical to this process. No coincidence that this is the time when the child begins to leave the symbiotic relationship to mother and becomes interested in father.
Psychological research on the fatherless child bears this out. The fatherless child (common in the poor communities where this research was performed) had a much higher rate of criminal behavior and gang violence than in families where a father was present. It’s as if in the absence of the father’s guidance the growing child learns no rules of proper behavior.
But the absence of father figures is not the only way that the child’s developing moral judgment can be defined. My own father was a man of sound moral judgment and impeccable character. But because he raised us kids in an atmosphere of shaming and violence, amidst a blizzard of meaningless and arbitrary rules and punishments, us children all went through a long phase of delinquent behavior. A father’s rules I learned, must be meaningful, consistent, and respectful of their child’s unique needs and personality.
A father’s love should awaken in his children hopes and visions of a positive, successful future for themselves. One of the dire consequences for children who lack a father figure is that they can see no meaningful future for themselves. Or, even more terrifying, the child whose father is dead or in prison may see this as their only future. These same researchers concluded in the study of fatherless kids that a father is the key to having a hopeful vision for the future, a reason to live, to study in school, to build a career. This appears to be true for both male and female offspring. In the absence of a father’s conditional love, the child often grows up with no reason to work, no motive except for leaping into whatever indulgences feel good now. This would include junk food, TV and movies, internet games, pornography, drugs and alcohol, and criminal behavior. It often troubles parents and caretakers that these children do not seem able to respond to even the direst warnings of what their behavior will lead to. That’s because these are the actions of a child (or former child) who lacks any sense of a future.
A client of mine has a son in his mid 20s. Although she has worked tirelessly to love her son and give him every opportunity, he lacks a father figure. Not just because of divorce. Divorced fathers can still be a significant presence in their children’s lives. No, his father was a belligerent drunk with no interest in his son, not even enough to pay child support out of his substantial income. The result is a son who sits in front of the TV all day eating junk food and indulging in whatever drugs he can get. This is, I’m sorry to say, a common story.
In addition to motivating their children to accomplish something with their lives, a good father gives them hope that a positive future is within their grasp. This requires a good father to balance his criticisms with positive reinforcement, a sign that they believe in the child’s abilities.
My own father was determined to be a good father and have successful children. His love for us was intense. In his own life he was a very successful minister. A leader in the integration and anti-Vietnam war movement, he helped guide several churches and communities in the south toward equal rights, and resisting an evil war. In this he was an inspiration to all of us kids. In setting such an example he showed his children what we could accomplish. But his efforts to steer us backfired because he used shame all the time on his children, with only the occasional compliment to our abilities. As he later explained to me: “My job was not to tell you what you were doing right, but to shame you into obedience to the destiny I saw for you!” Under the influence of his constant shaming we kids learned to hate him and everything he stood for, including the church. That’s why all three of us dropped out of the church and never went back. But for me it was so much worse. I learned that I would never be good enough for him. I would always be a failure. Therefore the only future I saw for myself was suicide. Only when my inner parents showed up in my Alchemy process did I start believing in myself. While my father once said to me: “Are you going to become a (Christian) minister, or just a ditch digger?” My new father (King Arthur of legend) said “I am so proud of my son, the Wizard of the inner worlds!” Only with this new message in my heart could I become the founder of a worldwide school of therapy. Now I am a King and a leader of men, like both my fathers before me.
A father’s love should not be unconditional. That’s a mother’s job. But his stern injunctions must be balanced by praise for his child’s abilities and successes.
And it is also a father’s job to listen to his child’s longings and dreams, rather than try to stuff their child into their own plans for them. This is one of the greatest challenges of fatherhood, and one that many caring fathers simply don’t understand. The job of a true father includes listening closely to their child. They should validate that child’s dreams, and hold them to the dream that the child’s Higher Self is calling them to achieve. My inner father frowns upon my laziness and indulgence, and reminds me of the importance of my soul’s mission. He even offers practical advice on how to achieve my goals.
Tiger Woods had a meteoric rise to prominence at a remarkably early age. He attributed this success to a father who combined rigorous training with praise. We can all be grateful that it was Tiger’s destiny to transform the world of golf. Contributing to the overall success of the sport and breaking the color barrier were only some of what he accomplished. Perhaps the most important part of his father’s guidance for Tiger was that he believed in his son’s destiny.
Another role of father has to do with creating physical safety for their children, thus freeing them of anxiety and fear. The famous image of father standing over his daughter and demanding that her date have her home…and unmolested, by a reasonable hour is a popular joke among teenage boys. Not so for the girl who didn’t have that protective presence. I dated a girl in college once, to whom I complained about my father: “He never lets me stay out late.” To my astonishment she said: “I wish I had parents like that! My parents don’t seem to care what I do or how late I’m out!” Only later did I get over my profound envy and realize that because of their neglect she wasn’t feeling safe! It is important that both parents, but especially fathers, make their children feel safe.
And one of the greatest violations of this role is when the father is violent and physically or sexually abusive. Many of my therapy clients discovered not only that daddy did not protect them from the world, but was actually the most dangerous person in their world! Thus they discover that the world is nothing but dangerous. Such abuse can lead to violent and criminal behavior or drug abuse. Or it might lead to closing off as an adult to any real intimacy, since intimacy and trust are experienced as dangerous. In my therapy work the new inner father helps my client by rescuing their child from the memories of this violence in the client’s subconscious mind and providing a daily security.
One of my clients came to me because night terrors made it impossible for her to sleep through the night. In trance she saw her stepfather sneak into her bedroom at night to molest her. So we found a new inner father. To her surprise he was a muscular Indian warrior with a big spear. (She was a white girl from the Bronx) But the meaning of this scene became clear when we positioned him hidden behind the bedroom door for her stepfather’s nightly visit. The former father got an unpleasant surprise from her new father’s spear. After one session we three agreed that every night he would stand inside her door. One session, plus calling upon this reassuring image every time she climbed in bed, and she has remained free of night terrors. This is a critical role for any father, keeping his child safe.
In our analysis of father, we may conclude that a father’s presence and conditional love is necessary for the developing child by helping that child develop a sense of safety in the world, moral responsibility for self and others, self discipline and motivation to achieve future success, and a sense of pride in their abilities and accomplishments, and a knowledge of their own unique purpose in the world. If your life lacks this moral compass, it’s time for an Alchemical Hypnotherapist to help you find such a father in your inner world!
