Ritual Work: Need for Family Love, Important Rituals in Relationships
By David Quigley
The last article introduced the extraordinary power of daily rituals of bonding to build loving romantic relationships and families. It discussed why such ancient rituals have been largely lost to the modern world. In this article I will describe these rituals in more detail so they can be easily integrated into your daily life. Remember that even two or three of these rituals if practiced daily can make a huge difference in the happiness and passion you share with your partner.
The morning wake up ritual helps you to joyfully bond with your partner at the beginning of each day. If you are sleeping in the same bed with your partner, just embrace your partner warmly and say a few words of love and appreciation. If you don’t sleep together, one partner, usually the one who is getting up first, can climb into their partner’s bed for warm physical contact. While this might on a leisurely morning lead to sexual activity, sex is not the purpose of this bonding ritual, nor should one expect sex at this time. This can be a good time however to plant seeds of romantic excitement that can be growing all day in the imagination of one’s partner. Even if one partner is in a hurry to get to work and the other needs to sleep in, a minute or so of warm cuddling will leave both of you feeling loved, wanted, and connected all day long. And the one who needs to go back to sleep can drift off more easily with the comfort and safety provided by this ritual. This can also be a time to reminisce about last night’s wonderful togetherness or to remind each other of today’s schedule of activities. Here’s an example for a couple who will not be breakfasting together, so for them this ritual is very important:
Partner 1: (Warm hug in bed) “Good morning sweetie. I love you. I’m so sorry I was too tired for fun last night. Tonight I’m working late, but I hope to be home by 9 o’clock. Can you hold dinner for me?”
Partner 2: (Sleepy, she snuggles up to his embrace) “I’m working till 8 tonight, so maybe we can eat out?”
Partner 1: “Sure, if I’m not too tired. Maybe we can have some fun tonight? (Sensuous kiss on ear) Have a good day, sweetie.”
A similar ritual is the kiss goodbye that happens when one partner leaves the other in the morning to go to work or play. Along with more reassurances of love, a critical element in this ritual is the promise of return. This could be as simple as “I’ll see you tonight about 6.” Or, “I’ll be picking up Joey at soccer practice. Should I get something for dinner on the way home?” Or even, “I’ll be out drinking at the pub until 10. See you then.” However it is done, the promise of return offered at this moment is a critical part of what makes a relationship safe. And honoring this promise is just as important. If your plans change, call your partner with plenty of notice and let them know your new schedule and why you will be late.
The evening welcome home ritual is also very important. When I used to come home from work, my first wife, unaware (as I was) of this essential ritual, never stopped what she was doing, never looked up from the TV, or put down her book to greet me. Nor did I have the wisdom to do these things for her. At the time I didn’t notice anything wrong with this, but a deep distance was growing between us in the absence of these rituals, until she fell in love with another man. I learned the hard way how important these rituals are.
The welcome home ritual should include at least a brief description of the day’s activities. This may be one sentence or a lengthy story, depending on one’s energy levels and what happened that day. John Grey in his seminal work on relationship, Men are from Mars Women are from Venus, states that men often need to retreat to their cave when they first get home from a hard day’s work. If this is something your man needs encourage him to take this time for himself. But it will be easier for both of you if he takes just one or two minutes to complete this ritual of love with you before he slips into his cave. Or you can both agree to perform this ritual as he emerges from his cave and is really ready to be with you.
The mealtime ritual is important for the whole family to feel connected. Unfortunately the ritual of the evening meal is often contaminated by family squabbles, lessons in table manners, competitions from friends and TV shows, even arguments about the food on the table. I encourage the families I work with (and often dine with as a part of my therapeutic intervention) to understand that the evening meal is symbolic of the family in ancient times gathered about the fire to consume today’s harvest and to celebrate the survival of their family. If we remember the sacredness of this ancient celebration of unity, perhaps we will be less inclined to use this occasion for petty bickering and criticism of each other. I recommend that at least 70% of family discussions should be on a neutral topic which the family enjoys discussing. Or even better, they can acknowledge each other for the achievements they have made this week. Especially important: acknowledge the cook and the one whose work puts food on the table. More problematic discussions, like junior’s falling grades or mom’s anger about dad’s latest drinking binge, should wait for an evening meeting, not aired at mealtime. A ritual prayer to honor the creator can also be valuable here. Of course not everyone can be expected to show up at every dinner. But if these dinners are not happening like this at least 2-3 times a week, the family may be missing some important bonding time.
The goodnight kiss is an equally important ritual. With young children this ritual should include sharing about the day and a warm cuddly bedtime story, with both parents participating if possible. Between two lovers this ritual may include passionate sex. I believe that this ritual should never be compromised by late night TV or work obligations. I insist that the couples I work with go to bed before they are very tired. This way they have plenty of time and energy to share in the most intimate rituals of togetherness in bed together. Then even if you are to sleep separately from each other, you will slip off to sleep in peace and security.
In the exploration of these rituals together every couple and family will find their own unique ways of enjoying them, along with discovering which are most important and which they can live without. Both partners should study this article closely and discuss their feelings about these rituals. Then spend some time practicing each one and developing your own unique style. If problems arise in implementing these rituals, seek counseling from a therapist who is familiar with these processes. Both of you need to be committed to enjoying these rituals daily for your own happiness and security, not just to placate your “needy” partner.
If you are excited about this new dimension of intimacy, but your partner refuses to participate, then you need to figure out how long you are willing to live in a lonely world. I have discovered to my surprise that not everyone who is in a partnership wants the kind of intimate loving relationship I describe here. I have also learned through years of work with couples and families that we cannot change our partner’s wishes if they don’t want to change. Some couples I work with have split up when it becomes clear that their needs for intimacy and partnership are not compatible. Yet it is a split that soon leads to healing as each partner is now free to find the true love or the unfettered freedom that they really long for.
As for me I have learned that living in a relationship without these rituals is simply too painful. No matter how delightful this person may be in other ways, to find the happiness that I deserve in a loving family I need the timeless power of these rituals. These to me are the essential expression of true love. If you are both ready for deeper love and joy in your lives these rituals can have enormous power for both of you. Enjoy them together.
First Base to Home Plate: Hypnosis in Sexual Intimacy Therapy - Bond of Pleasure and Ritual.
Continue to Part 7: First Base to Home Plate: Hypnosis in Sexual Intimacy Therapy - Bond of Pleasure and Ritual
The last article introduced the extraordinary power of daily rituals of bonding to build loving romantic relationships and families. It discussed why such ancient rituals have been largely lost to the modern world. In this article I will describe these rituals in more detail so they can be easily integrated into your daily life. Remember that even two or three of these rituals if practiced daily can make a huge difference in the happiness and passion you share with your partner.
The morning wake up ritual helps you to joyfully bond with your partner at the beginning of each day. If you are sleeping in the same bed with your partner, just embrace your partner warmly and say a few words of love and appreciation. If you don’t sleep together, one partner, usually the one who is getting up first, can climb into their partner’s bed for warm physical contact. While this might on a leisurely morning lead to sexual activity, sex is not the purpose of this bonding ritual, nor should one expect sex at this time. This can be a good time however to plant seeds of romantic excitement that can be growing all day in the imagination of one’s partner. Even if one partner is in a hurry to get to work and the other needs to sleep in, a minute or so of warm cuddling will leave both of you feeling loved, wanted, and connected all day long. And the one who needs to go back to sleep can drift off more easily with the comfort and safety provided by this ritual. This can also be a time to reminisce about last night’s wonderful togetherness or to remind each other of today’s schedule of activities. Here’s an example for a couple who will not be breakfasting together, so for them this ritual is very important:
Partner 1: (Warm hug in bed) “Good morning sweetie. I love you. I’m so sorry I was too tired for fun last night. Tonight I’m working late, but I hope to be home by 9 o’clock. Can you hold dinner for me?”
Partner 2: (Sleepy, she snuggles up to his embrace) “I’m working till 8 tonight, so maybe we can eat out?”
Partner 1: “Sure, if I’m not too tired. Maybe we can have some fun tonight? (Sensuous kiss on ear) Have a good day, sweetie.”
A similar ritual is the kiss goodbye that happens when one partner leaves the other in the morning to go to work or play. Along with more reassurances of love, a critical element in this ritual is the promise of return. This could be as simple as “I’ll see you tonight about 6.” Or, “I’ll be picking up Joey at soccer practice. Should I get something for dinner on the way home?” Or even, “I’ll be out drinking at the pub until 10. See you then.” However it is done, the promise of return offered at this moment is a critical part of what makes a relationship safe. And honoring this promise is just as important. If your plans change, call your partner with plenty of notice and let them know your new schedule and why you will be late.
The evening welcome home ritual is also very important. When I used to come home from work, my first wife, unaware (as I was) of this essential ritual, never stopped what she was doing, never looked up from the TV, or put down her book to greet me. Nor did I have the wisdom to do these things for her. At the time I didn’t notice anything wrong with this, but a deep distance was growing between us in the absence of these rituals, until she fell in love with another man. I learned the hard way how important these rituals are.
The welcome home ritual should include at least a brief description of the day’s activities. This may be one sentence or a lengthy story, depending on one’s energy levels and what happened that day. John Grey in his seminal work on relationship, Men are from Mars Women are from Venus, states that men often need to retreat to their cave when they first get home from a hard day’s work. If this is something your man needs encourage him to take this time for himself. But it will be easier for both of you if he takes just one or two minutes to complete this ritual of love with you before he slips into his cave. Or you can both agree to perform this ritual as he emerges from his cave and is really ready to be with you.
The mealtime ritual is important for the whole family to feel connected. Unfortunately the ritual of the evening meal is often contaminated by family squabbles, lessons in table manners, competitions from friends and TV shows, even arguments about the food on the table. I encourage the families I work with (and often dine with as a part of my therapeutic intervention) to understand that the evening meal is symbolic of the family in ancient times gathered about the fire to consume today’s harvest and to celebrate the survival of their family. If we remember the sacredness of this ancient celebration of unity, perhaps we will be less inclined to use this occasion for petty bickering and criticism of each other. I recommend that at least 70% of family discussions should be on a neutral topic which the family enjoys discussing. Or even better, they can acknowledge each other for the achievements they have made this week. Especially important: acknowledge the cook and the one whose work puts food on the table. More problematic discussions, like junior’s falling grades or mom’s anger about dad’s latest drinking binge, should wait for an evening meeting, not aired at mealtime. A ritual prayer to honor the creator can also be valuable here. Of course not everyone can be expected to show up at every dinner. But if these dinners are not happening like this at least 2-3 times a week, the family may be missing some important bonding time.
The goodnight kiss is an equally important ritual. With young children this ritual should include sharing about the day and a warm cuddly bedtime story, with both parents participating if possible. Between two lovers this ritual may include passionate sex. I believe that this ritual should never be compromised by late night TV or work obligations. I insist that the couples I work with go to bed before they are very tired. This way they have plenty of time and energy to share in the most intimate rituals of togetherness in bed together. Then even if you are to sleep separately from each other, you will slip off to sleep in peace and security.
In the exploration of these rituals together every couple and family will find their own unique ways of enjoying them, along with discovering which are most important and which they can live without. Both partners should study this article closely and discuss their feelings about these rituals. Then spend some time practicing each one and developing your own unique style. If problems arise in implementing these rituals, seek counseling from a therapist who is familiar with these processes. Both of you need to be committed to enjoying these rituals daily for your own happiness and security, not just to placate your “needy” partner.
If you are excited about this new dimension of intimacy, but your partner refuses to participate, then you need to figure out how long you are willing to live in a lonely world. I have discovered to my surprise that not everyone who is in a partnership wants the kind of intimate loving relationship I describe here. I have also learned through years of work with couples and families that we cannot change our partner’s wishes if they don’t want to change. Some couples I work with have split up when it becomes clear that their needs for intimacy and partnership are not compatible. Yet it is a split that soon leads to healing as each partner is now free to find the true love or the unfettered freedom that they really long for.
As for me I have learned that living in a relationship without these rituals is simply too painful. No matter how delightful this person may be in other ways, to find the happiness that I deserve in a loving family I need the timeless power of these rituals. These to me are the essential expression of true love. If you are both ready for deeper love and joy in your lives these rituals can have enormous power for both of you. Enjoy them together.
First Base to Home Plate: Hypnosis in Sexual Intimacy Therapy - Bond of Pleasure and Ritual.
Continue to Part 7: First Base to Home Plate: Hypnosis in Sexual Intimacy Therapy - Bond of Pleasure and Ritual