Finding Love and Keeping It: A Guide to Love Relationships
Part 3: Relationship Work: Problem of Partner Assumptions
By David Quigley
According to no less an authority on romance than Walt Disney, one need only call upon the powers of a fairy godmother and seek out a handsome prince or beautiful princess in order to find the ideal relationship and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, this idea that one need do nothing to prepare oneself for love except search for the pretty face of ones ideal soul mate is not a very effective strategy for finding true love in the real world. Regardless of the millions of single folks who are pursuing this strategy through singles groups, bars, and the latest high tech singles websites, the percentage of single people and of those whose relationships are deeply unfulfilling continues to remain at an all time high. Yet most people I’ve spoken to in the singles community are certain that simply persisting in their search will eventually bring their perfect and beautiful soul mate to them. In my opinion this is the equivalent to claiming that: “Why should I learn how to operate a computer to make it in the computer business. I don’t need to. Soon I’ll find the perfect computer for me and then …move over Bill Gates!!”
In sharp contrast, those seekers I have worked with as clients and students who have dedicated their lives to preparing themselves for real love have very often found this love and kept it for years. In the first two articles in this series we spoke of the importance of partner selection and how to be effective at partner selection in your search for love. In this article I will be giving some ideas on how you can become the loving partner that can keep the love you want. Then when your search for a special mate brings a partner, you can experience years of marital bliss.
Much of my work with couples and families is based on my own experiences, but among the many experts on relationship whom I have studied, I believe the work of John Gottman, based upon ten plus years of scientific observation and research at his Seattle clinic offers the richest resources in my experience for making relationships work. If you want your relationship to work, read his book, 7 Keys to Effective Marriage. Everything I have to add about relationship skills is in my opinion but a postscript to this opus. Dr. Phil’s recent book, Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner, is also solid gold.
In my work with couples, I have found that daily acknowledgement of each other is a critical part of the glue that holds relationships together. This acknowledgement can be purely verbal, but is far more effective when combined with physical affection. Here are some examples of the kind of acknowledgement I am referring to.
- “I love the way you hug me.”
- “Thanks so much for doing the dishes again tonight. You are so sensitive to my needs.” (She puts her arms around him from behind at the kitchen sink)
- “It feels so good to know I have someone in my life that really cares.” (Delivered with a warm hug)
- “I hear that you are really angry about that. Thanks so much for sharing your feelings so clearly.” (Delivered with a warm smile)
Most couples I see in therapy are very busy doing the opposite of acknowledgement, finding every opportunity to criticize each other, perhaps in the hope that sufficient criticism and shaming can force the other person to change into the prince charming of their fantasies. Do these statements sound similar to ones you have used? And have they really been effective in changing your partner’s ways…or your own?
“You’ve got to stop leaving your clothes everywhere. Were you raised in a barn?”
“I can’t believe you worked late again…and on our anniversary. You obviously don’t care about me at all.”
“You’re spending too much again. Who do you think I am, Donald Trump?”
John Gottman describes criticism as one of the four horsemen who destroy marriages with brutal efficiency. I find this is especially true when there is a shortage of acknowledgement in the relationship. If acknowledgement is used frequently in the relationship, it seems that criticism when it emerges is far less damaging. Gottman suggests that instead of criticizing our partner, slurring their character with derogatory remarks like “you lazy bum”, Gottman suggests that we complain instead. Simply state what is going on that I don’t like and need to see changed.
I believe we can do even better by presenting our complaint as a problem that needs to be solved for both of us, and one which we can solve by working on it together. I call this approach not complaining, but problem solving. It is unnecessary and indeed inflammatory to blame someone or cast insult upon them when we want them to help us solve a problem. To get the flavor of this important distinction, look at the following statements, one a criticism, and the second a problem to be solved.
Criticism: “Where did you learn to be such a slob? Can’t you learn to pick up after yourself?”
Problem: “When I come home after a long and difficult day, I find it very difficult to deal with messes in the living room. It makes my head hurt. How can we make the house a little neater for me when I get home?”
Criticism: “I saw you looking at that waitress with the tight dress tonight. What the hell were you thinking? Are you plotting to be unfaithful to me again? How could you be so insensitive to my feelings? You’re just an animal!”
Problem: “I was very upset at the way you looked at that waitress. It made me feel very jealous and insecure, especially after that affair last year. Should I be worried that you’ll do something with her?... What can we do about my feelings?”
Criticism: “So I guess you don’t believe in discipline. You let your daughter get away with this behavior now, she’ll be a heroin addict by the time she’s 16! Get some backbone!”
Problem: “I’m worried that if we don’t send a stronger message to your daughter that she might continue her drug use. I’m worried she might even become a heroin addict. What do you think?... Here are some ideas I have about this…”
Criticism: “You can’t keep spending on this frivolous crap. We don’t have the money for every little trinket you want. You’re not Paris Hilton.”
Problem: “I’m worried about all these charges on our credit card. We just don’t have the money to keep up this kind of spending. What should we do?”
Notice that each of these two approaches to problems is based upon a number of critical but often unspoken assumptions about the other person and the relationship. In the first case these toxic assumptions, very common in dysfunctional relationships include the following:
- My partner is deliberately trying to hurt my feelings.
- I won’t be heard unless I shame my partner into listening and make it real ugly or real loud.
- My partner is too stupid to solve these problems. I have to tell them how to do everything.
- My partner doesn’t care about my feelings or needs
- All men, or all women are like this, unfaithful, not listening, not caring, etc. so I have to be on guard at all times
Of course some of us have been in a relationship at one time or another when one or more of these assumptions (except the last) can be proven to be quite accurate. When I found that I was married to someone who in fact cared nothing about my feelings and said so frequently, I finally got the message and got out of there. If any of the above assumptions are proven accurate, you should waste no time in getting away from what is essentially an abusive relationship.
In most cases however, I have discovered that these assumptions are not accurate at all, but are simply leftover subconscious programs about relationship that descend from the hell on earth that was our family of origin. If your dad was carelessly unfaithful to your mother before running off with the secretary, fears of your husband’s infidelity could readily become a major problem in the marriage, even if your husband is totally faithful. This is why my work with emotional clearing, described on our website at www.alchemyinstitute.com/withhyp.htm is critical. Sometimes it is only by providing such a client with the internal experience of yelling at her faithless father with all of her rage, then firing him and replacing him in her inner world with a faithful and loving new father can she be psychologically prepared to trust a man’s faithfulness to her.
Take a few minutes to reexamine the hidden assumptions listed above. Listen deeply in your inner mind for any similar assumptions that you have been carrying about your partner or about love partners in general. Check them out with your partner, your mutual friends, and perhaps a wise counselor who knows you both. Are these assumptions ruling your relationship problems? If so, are they accurate? If they are accurate, demand that your partner change and be prepared to leave the relationship, because they probably won’t. If not, if in fact these assumptions fit your childhood or maybe a previous marriage and are not true of your present partner, start making an effort to change these assumptions. Here a skilled hypnotherapist may be an essential part of your recovery. In addition, in a relationship that is moving toward health, I find it valuable for both partners to make the following new assumptions, which I call “agreements” because they are beliefs we consciously choose to accept. I encourage my clients to repeat them to themselves before confronting ones partner with any serious complaint. This will make communication and solution of the problem much easier.
- My partner loves me and wants my happiness. He is not trying to hurt me.
- My partner will listen to and cherish my feelings. I don’t need to yell or criticize to be heard.
- My partner is smart, competent, and dedicated enough to help us solve this problem together.
- My partner is not like other men (or women)who have hurt me before.
- My partner is honest.
- If my partner is distracted or unavailable now, it is not about me. Together we’ll find the time when both of us are free to discuss this.
To the extent that we accept these new agreements we will switch from being a criticizer to becoming a problem solver and our relationship will become far more functional. Now reread the examples of criticism vs. problem solving above. Can you detect the underlying assumptions behind each communication? Are you ready to examine your own assumptions about your partner and to accept some new agreements?
By the way, this process works for all family crises, including relationships between parents and children. One client reported to me that her “outrageously ill behaved daughter” had entered her room demanding a new computer for high school. Her first reaction was to yell at her daughter that we couldn’t afford it and how could you be so selfish and demanding. In family therapy I pointed out to both of them that her daughter’s need for a new computer was probably legitimate. She wasn’t after all demanding more money for crack cocaine. Soon she could see her daughter’s need for a computer as a problem to be solved, rather than a personal attack on the family’s finances (watch those hidden assumptions) Then she was able to work out an effective compromise with her daughter’s help.
One of the best ways to foster this new way of relating is through frequent daily acknowledgement outside the times of conflict. The more I reassure my partner and family in everyday conversation (DON’T wait until you are in crisis mode, or acknowledgement can feel like a set up for criticism) that I love her for all these wonderful reasons, the easier it will be for her to remember that I am not her father or her abusive ex-husband when I bring up the tough issues between us.
Good luck in making your relationship more successful with these tools. In the next article in our series I will examine how to resolve conflicts in a relationship while preserving the love between you.
Part 4: Save a Partner Relationship: Work on a Happy Family
Articles in this series:
Part 1: Love or Hypnosis? Relationship Partner Choice Error
Part 2: Ideal Relationship Partner Guide: Your Vision of Love
Part 3: Relationship Work: Problem of Partner Assumptions
Part 4: Save a Partner Relationship: Work on a Happy Family
Part 5: Hypnosis of Family Rituals: Sexual Expressions Training in Love Relationships
Part 6: Ritual Work: Need for Family Love, Important Ritual in Relationships
Part 7: First Base to Home Plate: Hypnosis in Sexual Intimacy Therapy, Bond of Pleasure & Ritual