Hypnosis with Children and Adolescents: Stories That Heal
By David Quigley
In the last twenty years of my professional practice I have found hypnosis therapy to be very effective with children and adolescents for a wide variety of issues. In this article I will be describing a number of the problems children and adolescents present for which hypnosis can be very effective. Then I will show a variety of strategies hypnotherapists can use for working with them.
Zolita Grant's article, the first in this series, explains how and why working with children in trance is so effective. Children in a sense are always in a kind of altered state in which story telling imagery is singularly effective. But we hypnotists must accept that a child in trance will wiggle, fidget, and squirm. They will also leap in or out of their imagination with a rapidity that may seem confusing until we become more familiar with the way their process works. They have a short attention span, so a session longer than one hour is completely impossible until they reach the teenage years. Usually I try to break up a one hour session with younger children. I begin with some talk with the child and parent about their problem and their life, perhaps some communication with the parent about the child's progress, and no more than 40 minutes of trance
Here is an example: A mother brings her son of 10 years old to see me. He has poor attention span and his grades are low. While many licensed caregivers might diagnose him with ADD and prescribe medication, this parent wants a more natural solution.
"My 10-year-old son was traumatized by physical injury as an infant. As a result his walk was highly irregular, more like the waddle of a duck than a regular walk. After only one session of hypnotic movement with David Quigley, his walk was completely normal. It was hard to believe how one session could be so powerful. He also achieved excellent results with study habits and behavioral objectives."
Danielle Ramirez-SilvaSanta Rosa, CA
I gather from the initial interview, which I always conduct with the parent and child both present, that the child’s father has a history of violence and verbal abuse toward both mother and child. Currently, the mother is divorced and has full custody. I find these family dynamics to be an important part of the cause of my young clients’ problems in every case. I ask the child what he wants to accomplish in my work with him. He says he has always wanted to be a superhero. I say with genuine interest, “Which one?” He answers “Spiderman!” For the duration of our first session he wiggles around my couch, yelling and using a pillow for beating up some supervillian called “Goblin” and rescuing a woman from this evil monster. His mother reports that after just one session he is calmer and less fidgety. And she tells me his grades have improved markedly. It is clear that while actually confronting his alcoholic father was too conflicted for the child, this mythic journey as a superhero, filled with physical release of tension, helped him solve his problem.
With an older child or adolescent, I often help them communicate with an abuser more directly to help relieve the anxiety, shame, and inadequacy feelings that emerge from abuse. Example: “Let’s imagine that your abusive coach is in front of you now. And you are big and strong. What do you say to him…that’s right…louder now…grab him! (offering a large pillow)…tell him how it feels!...Now what is his response?” To help with this we often return to incidents of abuse in trance, sometimes with the help of an inner warrior guide, described below. By giving my teenage clients a loud voice in dealing with a perpetrating family member, teacher, or “friend”, while in the safety and privacy of my office, I have seen them often regain confidence in every area of their lives. Of course, I also point out the difference between emotional release therapy, and real communication in the outer world, and help the client with bothforms of expression.
Helping children concentrate on academic achievement and the performance of household responsibilities is an important goal in my work with children. But my work with this is often indirect. As the above story illustrates, my goal is often to resolve the internal emotional conflict within the child which is blocking their motivations and their achievement.
I also integrate behavioral strategies to be implemented by both parent and child to facilitate this improvement. Most important is to teach parents the dangers of shaming their child and the value of consistent encouragement and praise, in psychological terms, positive reinforcement.
It is truly unfortunate that many of us, myself included, were taught through shaming rather than praise. Many of our parents, thinking this was the correct way to raise children would find fault with nearly everything we did. I can still hear my parent’s criticizing my housework because it was not perfect enough, or after playing a piano piece for my mother, hearing her comment only about the one note I hit wrong. This kind of shaming may temporarily create an improved grade. But our children pay a huge price in terms of lower self esteem, followed often by resentment, teenage rebellion, and later by persistent feelings of anxiety, depression, and drug addiction. Perhaps worst of all, our children often act out these same abusive patterns onto their children.
Instead, I teach my clients how to minimize criticism and use mostly positive rewards to help their children with academic performance and other behavioral objectives. An example: A father brings his child in because he can’t seem to remember to do his chores. His son admits to the problem. I ask the boy “What is your favorite toy?” He says enthusiastically, “Leggos!” I then suggest a “ticket” system in which the father will give him a ticket for each day that his chores are accomplished with only one reminder from dad. If he has a perfect day, no reminders and all chores done, he gets two tickets, and can be justly proud of his “two ticket perfect score!” We then negotiate how many tickets it will take to buy a leggo toy, with both father and son eagerly participating in the negotiations. I then assign the child to choose a color of construction paper, design, and cut out the tickets. Note that he is involved in the process at every stage. I even had him negotiate with his father what the consequences would be if he failed to complete his chores during the day. (“Lose a ticket!” the child announces proudly) I also assure him that if any problems occur with this system that I am available to help sort them out. No shaming or punishing was called for. By the following week, the problem was completely solved. Father and son were both proud of how he had performed all week. His “memory” problem was over.
Another example of positive reinforcement is paying for grades. Many parents think it wrong to pay for a child’s good grades, saying it “bribes” them. Yet these same parents will readily criticize the child and remove privileges in a minute if the child’s grades go down. In my opinion this is the worst possible way to discipline children. The way I explained it to my son was this: “Son, your most important job as a child is to do well in school. So I will not be giving you an allowance. No one should be paid for doing nothing. But I suggest we pay you $20 for each A grade and $10 for each B grade you get, as long as you have no grade below a C. How does that sound?” Notice that once again the child is a participant in family decisions, so he is far more committed to the plan, and feels more invested in it working! I also point out to him the value of study habits and the importance of grades, and a good college, for his long term career success.
I never had to “punish” my son for his grades, or for any other behavioral problem! He showed up as consistently responsible at whatever task was asked of him, and even went out of his way to help out his family and friends. And there was another side benefit: love and admiration. At age 14, he told me that I was the best father of any parent he knew. In contrast, when I was 14 I told my father that I hated him, because of the cloud of shame and the arbitrary rules and punishments he forced me to live under. As a result of this lesson my father taught me, I have learned to do my own family and my practice with families differently. By helping parents learn to listen to and respect their children’s innate wisdom and responsibility, I have been remarkably successful in helping parents regain the love and respect of their children, while improving their children’s performance in every area of achievement. I call this participation therapy. Instead of parents issuing commands to their children, I encourage them to always offer their children a choice of how chores are to be done and goals achieved, encouraging their children to help make the rules. This is important at any age, but especially for teenagers. These choices help children feel that they are in charge of their lives, and that their parents honor their freedom, their intelligence, and their responsibility. Here are some more examples:
- “Did you like dinner? Well, the kitchen needs to be cleaned up and we know that is your job tonight. Would you like to do it now, or wait until after your TV show is over?”
- “You made your sister cry with your bullying again! What do you think it will take for you to remember not to hurt her like that?.(Listen!) ..Okay, that is a great idea. You will apologize to her, and you can’t use the phone or the internet for an hour. “
- “You got two C grades in this report card. I know you can do better. What happened for you?...(Listen, mom and dad!!) Okay, so the history teacher sucks. Well, we don’t have the money to sue the school system. SO, what do you think we can do to bring that grade up?... And this math grade? How can we bring it up? … Good idea. So should that homework hour be done right after school, or can you do it after dinner? And what consequences the next day should be established if you don’t get it done?”
- “I found some pot in your room. You know it is illegal. You could get yourself, and us, in deep trouble. And smoking pot has some grave health consequences, which I have told you about. For the sake of your future, something must be done. What consequences do you see would help you control this behavior, at least as long as you are under our roof?”
Many parents complain at first that this strategy is too time consuming, that it requires far more painstaking negotiations than the parents have time for. It is so much easier, they think, to just set up the rules themselves. I point out that the rigid and often arbitrary rules parents establish tend to generate so much resistance and even hostility that they have to keep nagging the kids over and over to get them to accomplish the simplest of chores. It often becomes easier, as many parents have complained, for the parents to do it themselves. It also fails to empower children to think for themselves and develop their own self discipline. If on the other hand, the children have actively participated in creating the rules, and the consequences for breaking them, then their own pride requires them to do the jobs required quickly and professionally. Your time and energy is no longer wasted on nagging!
But don’t expect perfection. If we withhold praise or rewards because of some minor oversight, we will quickly lose our children’s cooperation, and respect. If Joey cleans up the kitchen but forgets one dirty knife, focus on the wonders he has achieved with a mention of the dirty knife as an afterthought to his grand victory. That will inspire him to an even better job next time. In all my years of therapy practice, I have yet to meet the parent who does everything perfectly.
In encouraging kids, and teenagers, to help around the house and be responsible in their own lives, I usually facilitate a family meeting in my office, and train my families of clients in doing these meetings on their own. At these meetings all family members have a right to speak up about their problems with the whole family listening respectfully. Everyone’s feelings and needs are honored, even though we all understand that mom and dad are the bosses. And sometimes, Mr. Quigley is the boss! Here’s an example. Little Billy says “Dad, you promised to take me out to miniature golf twice last month, and you didn’t. So why should I do what you want me to?” Father’s response: “Because I am your father, that’s why!” I immediately interrupt. “No, that is not good enough, dad. Yes, those chores do need to get done, but you have broken your promise to your son twice, and that is not fair. What can you say to him?” Father explains, “I had to work late a lot this month. And you better get used to it. With all the bills I have to pay…” Eventually I persuade dad to apologize to his son, and promise yet again to go to the golf course with his son. But this time I hold the father to his promise, and establish consequences. “If you betray your son’s trust again, your son will never trust your word. He will lose all respect for you, and may never be your friend when he grows up. Can you understand the consequences this betrayal will have on your future as his father?” I require that the whole family check in with me about both father and sons performance.
Alas, not all of my interventions are successful. In this case, the father continued to disappoint his son, and now his son has run away to a religious cult and has no contact with his father, who is devastated. Had dad listened to his son’s needs at the family meeting, and respected them, I am convinced this tragedy could have been averted.
As you can see, hypnotherapy with children does not succeed in a vacuum. Only by helping parents and children work together in counseling can the results of my work with children be permanent. But, sometimes I must work with the child’s dreams first. Example: 10 year old Stan is at my office because his grades need to come up. But he insists when he and I are alone, that he wants to be a rock star and play the guitar. So together we go on a journey to his future self, a successful rock musician. After enjoying the excitement for a few delightful minutes, I ask his future rock star what are the secrets of his success. I specifically ask: “Are Stan’s academic studies important?” His future self assures both of us that good grades are not so important, but good study habits and learning to read and write are very important to his successful career. I combine these insights with a contract for his parents that if his grades remain high for the rest of the year that they will buy him the musical equipment he needs for his next step. While the boy’s career as a musician is still in development, his grades have soared and his social skills have also markedly improved, as he brings his “rock star” persona into every aspect of his life.
This is an example of the use of inner guides, which are a major part of my work with children and adolescents. Because of children’s active imaginations, it is easy and natural in working with children to introduce these “imaginary friends” as a daily resource for helping my clients make permanent life changes in a short time. Psychological research has indicated that children with “fantasy friends” outperform other children in both academic achievement and social skills. So one of the first things I ask my child clients is whether they already have a fantasy friend. If they do, we develop that relationship into a permanent alliance to help the child achieve their goals.
For example, one girl’s fairy friend helps wake her up when her bladder is full to end bed wetting. We practiced this in my office by having her lie down with her pillow from her own bed on my couch just as if she was asleep, then she experienced while in a deep trance exactly the touch and the words her fantasy friend used to wake her up. Another client has a superhero, Superbrain, who helps him focus on his homework and remember things on the test. We can sometimes use the client’s future adult self as a guide, like the rock star mentioned above. One of my clients who wants to help other deeply troubled teenagers someday has a future self, “Dr. Williams”, who helps advise her about her own recovery from anorexia.
For a child who has lost a parent through abandonment or divorce, it is often helpful to find a new inner parent who can help the child overcome the feelings of inadequacy and grief associated with this loss. This is especially valuable when reinforced by the custodial parent. Mom says: “No, your dad didn’t call for you again. But your new inner father would never forget his precious girl! Let’s call him in now.”
We are certainly not limited to fantasy friends when it comes to these inner guides. Sometimes real people can become inner guides. Another client is a little boy of 4 who misses his mommy when she is at work. I teach him how to touch his tummy every time he misses her and call upon her sweet voice saying: “I miss you too, and I love you!” His mother, present with me in the session, helps me reinforce this strategy. Then every evening she asks him if he called on her, and she hugs him when he says “Yes!” This child found great comfort when his mom assured him that she missed him too, and thought of him often and longingly when she was at work. This child stopped fussing over mom’s departure in the morning so quickly, that it seemed to her like a miracle had occurred. Inner guides could also include a deceased grandparent, pet dog, or even a television star.
The important part is to make sure the parents are on board reinforcing (instead of ignoring or criticizing) the child’s imaginary companion as a resource to be used every day. We need to spend time in my sessions reinforcing these guides over and over, and I teach my clients and their caregivers how to call on these resources every day to achieve lasting results.
Parents can tell their children bedtime stories, or listen to their children’s bedtime stories about their fantasy companions. This is especially helpful for children who are anxious, depressed, or suffer separation anxiety, nightmares or insomnia. And these fantasy friends can be used as a resource for a wide variety of social challenges.
Here are some examples:
- “So you hit your sister, and made her cry. Of course she did take your toy without asking. What does your new inner father say we should do?...Yeah, that makes sense. Aren’t we glad to have him!”
- “So Shannon won’t even talk to you any more, and she was your best friend. That’s terrible! What does your friend Xena say you should do? Talk to her? Okay, become Xena and there is Shannon. What do you want to say to her, Xena?”
- “So next time the coach humiliates you like that when you did your best, what does your future self the Olympic athlete suggest you say to him?”
There are a wide variety of problems that children and adolescents can bring to a hypnotherapist. And as long as the whole family is willing to work together, and the therapist treats the child’s feelings and needs with unconditional love and respect, and helps the child access their own internal resources, powerful results can be achieved. Children and adolescents are naturally the best subjects for hypnotic work, far better subjects than most adults, because they are strongly motivated for change, are eager to please the adults in their lives, and have vivid, active imaginations. Before we get another generation hooked on pharmaceutical, and later, illegal drugs, let’s give their native intelligence and imagination a chance. If your child has a problem, call a hypnotherapist with specialization in children’s issues today.